It is not fair!

Do you know this cartoon character? Calimero is a poor cute little black chicken who is nice with everyone but who thinks the world is against him. I like Calimero. And like any French person, I like to complain:  “That is not fair, I am ALWAYS the victim, it is not because I am small and weak that!”….

I had decided to take some action. Enough was enough. I decided to call the Hindu pantheon’s customer service center to bring up the matter.

I fiercely grabbed my phone and typed the number that Just Dial had sent me.

- Dear customer, we value your opinion. You call may be monitored from quality insurance purposes. If you are calling for a prayer, press 1. If you wish to send a virtual Prasad to your favorite god, press 2.

I had always hated these Voice Systems. I started biting my nails as I waited for the most suitable option.

- If you wish to speak to one of our gods’ representatives, press the # key.

Got it.

- Thank you for your call. Your time is important to us. Your estimated waiting time is 10 minutes.

I decided to take a deep breath: “Hold on, Anne! You are almost there!! Don’t give up so easily!”

So I waited, patiently eating all the chocolates from the box that was giving me company….

- ThanksforcallingHindupantheonscustomerservicecentermynameisrajhowcanIhelpyou?

I jumped, quickly trying to recall what I wanted to say. I needed to sound aggressive and determined.

- Oh yeah. Hi! My name is Anne and I am French. How shall I call you? God, Mister god? Buddy?

- I told you: mynameisraj. I am a representative.

- Ok. I’ve called to complain: Why can’t I enter the Padmanabhan temple in Trivandrum? WHYYYY?

- To enter the premises and be a little closer to the treasure, there are rules: you need to wear a sari if you are a lady and a lungi with bare chest if you are a man. You also need to be “non foreigner”.

- What is a non foreigner?

- A person who is Indian.

- How do you define “an Indian”?

- It is a person who looks Indian.

- So do you mean that a foreigner is a person who does not look Indian?

- Exactly

- So citizenship does not really matter here.

- No, you got it.

- If I summarize, you mean I have to wait outside the temple, babysitting the pram while my husband and my son are enjoying themselves inside while performing a tribal dance of my invention to avoid the hungry mosquitoes?

- Hmmm yes. You can also buy some nice banana chips. There are good in Kerala. Kerala is not called God’s own country for no reason.

- By the way, my son is French.

- I told you, citizenship does not matter.

- But that’s not fair!!! Sometimes people think I am Indian, just because I am married to an Indian man! They even frown with misunderstanding and disappointment when I tell them I am still very much French.

- But Beta, you don’t look Indian. You cannot enter the temple. Period.

By that time, I had lost my patience. God or no god, they were going to experience the famous French cribbing superpowers. I breathed hard, mentally keeping a picture of Calimero, my idol.

- But that is not fair!!!

- …

- This rule is stupid! And I am going to prove it. Can my Canadian neighbor enter the temple?

- If he looks Indian, yes.

- Yes, he does. Both his parents were born in India. He knows less Hindi than me though.

- That does not matter, Beta.

- DON'T BETA ME, PLEASE! Do you know what beta means in French? It means “stupid”!

- Sorry Beta. We have to call people “Beta”, Everyone is a Beta of God!

- Tell me something.

- Something

God, they are even trying to be funny!

- Don’t you dare using that joke on me! I practically invented it.

- Sorry. We are told different techniques to deliver our message.

- t’s ok. So, do you think a Pakistani look Indian?

- Yes, of course, Beta! You know, right, that Pakistan and India were one united country before 1947.

- Hum, yes. So, you would grant the permission to enter the temple to a Pakistani?

- God, no!! He is not Indian!...... ARGH!!!

The phone suddenly went blank.

Haha! I stood and start an enthusiastic winning dance. Haha, Mynameisraj, don’t you want to tell another joke to your Beta? You lost your God coolness? I tell you: good for you!

But the small feeling of guilt I experienced during the entire call was becoming unbearably overwhelming. Did I go too far with the God’s representative? Did I cross the limit? Who was I, little creature, to question God’s rules?

I started searching for my water bottle in my bag, trying to regain composure. Then I felt a plastic bag: the banana chips I bought in Kerala while waiting outside the temple! I smiled while opening the packet. Oh God! Mynameisraj was right. These golden chips are like heaven: there are the hidden treasures of Trivandrum! Maybe God did not allow me in his temple, but he definitely put a little bit of himself in these chips. 

Later on, I called back the customer service center and left an apology on their prayer voice mail. I hope mynameisraj got it. If not, I am sure that God heard me and will forgive the stubborn French girl cum Calimero I am.